Grand daughter's broken heart

I feel so bad for my 5 year old grand daughter she has cried for her grandpa(my ex) all day today-she begged me to drive to Jackson so she can see him, then she took my hand and squeezed it and said you promise we can go see grandpa in 2 days? I didn't know what to say-finally I said honey I don't know why grandpa is not talkign to us, I have called him and left voice messages, I have left him messages on the computer I don't know.  (She even left 2 voice messages for him he ignored those too.) That answer just made her cry-she asked my daughter to worte a letter to grandpa exactly what she said ans my grnad duaghter signed it, she brought it to me in a envelope  and said put grandpa's address on it then he has to answer me. I told her I would send it for her.
She came to me a hour later and said I don't know hwy granda isn't calling I know he doesn't always like you grandma but he loves me. maybee the police have his phone I said why would they? she said cause maybee he did soemthign and is in jail, then she said well maybee he went to Florida again like before? (he spent the winter there last year with his parents) I said I do not think he is in jail and his daddy has been sick so I do not htink he is in Florida either. She said then I gotta find out what's wrong with him then came and gav eme a big hug and said I love grandpa so so so much. I siad  know you do sweetie.
It makes me tear up jsut typing this-why would a guy hurt a 5 year old that he claims to love she isn't his biological grand daughter but he always acted like her granpa before, and she worships the ground he walks on. 
He hasn't spoken to me or her in a apprx 2 weeks and she is going nuts. I just don't know what to do for her there is always soemthign that reminds her of him. I don't know why he has been ignoring me, I can take it or leave it even though soemthing inme still loves him, but my grand daughter can not take it or leave it--she has been upset for 2 days.
He has treated me bad in many many ways and of  course I am always the bad one. I am the oe who is heartless which I nevr understood becase I never had a affair on him, I always loved him, but I could never do anythign right. But...he always told everyone that he loves Makayla she is his buddy. Why would he hurt her. I telol myself and my daughter she will get over him, I have tried to take all the pics of him out of view, and off a old phone she uses, and when she mentions him I try to change the subject but half the time it doesn't work, she loves himand wants answers.
I am hopign he reads this, and soemwhere in his heart realizes how bad she is hurting, and how wrong it is to upset a 5 year old who loves him more than anything. I don't know if it will amke a difference or not. But I am hoping he will let me know if he still wants to be her grandpa or not.
He treats his neices that he only saw once a year for 10 year better than her and it jsut isn't fair for her to be hurting. 
I jsut needed to vent, for me and for Makayla
more to come

rearranging 11/29/2011

it has been raining alot last night and today and suppose to rain all tomorrow too--my basement is unfinished it gets water around the edges have lots of towels down have to wrong them out and dry then every day during the rain,
My daughter lives down there becase it is a big space, I only have a 2 bedroom house, I have offered her my bedroom, I sleep on the couch becase with my hip I only sleep 2 hours at a time. She wants the big basement so I am giving my grand daughter my room for a playroom. She has the big bedroom but with her  computer and bed and bins upon bins upon bins of toys and barbies she just doesnt hav enough room. She has toys in her mom's basement room I jsut don't want her down there anymore. So that is my weekend project hopefully. getting rid of my bed and crafts things and moving her bins of toys and her wood shelf of dvd's into the other room.
also she is going to ride in the Ida, Michigan parade on a  float on saturday so it will be a busy weekend.
I did sell 6 more thigns on ebay not alot put I make a little money and I get rid of thing sI no longer need, going to save everything and have a yard sale this spring hopefully it will do better than my last one did.
I am haivng another pain injection this friday, I have had 5 already but this new Orthopedic Dr thinks I need another one, he found a partial tear in the muscle of my bursa in my hip if the injection doesn't work he will have to go in and repair the tear. oh well another drama in my life.
well signing off more to come

stupidity..

it's 11/26 I got the Christmas tree up took awhile we left the lights on the tree last year and they were tangled awful, but it looks very nice got most of the presents under the tree. My grand daughte ris so excited about all the gifts. I have a small gift to get my step dad and my grand daughter that lives in florida, and one thing left for my son which I have no idea what, but I will figure somethign out.
This is the 2nd Christmas I won't have my ex with us. Which I believe is a good thing for me, but my grand daughter will be very hurt. He has been so nice the last couple months until the last 2 weeks I don't know what happened, he just stopped talking to me, and stopped texting. I finally was tired of his games and shut his phone off. My grand daughter has mentioned his name a few times in the last 2 weeks, she knows I bought him a present from her she even helped wrap it up and I know the closer to Christmas she will remember about it, and ask where he is, is he comming to her house. I feel really bad for her she loves himso much and she's only 5 she just doesn't understand these things. I wish I wouldn't have let him come down to visit, makes her so happy when he is here, but when he does things like this and just doesn't call her, or come to see her, or even act like she exist for no reason and hurt her on purpose I think geeze she would be way over him by now. I am stupid sometimes.  
I go to the Dr at St Joes on monday he gav eme a cane last time I went I still am not ised to using it yet.  I have no idea what he is going to do. I know my hip still hurts like crazy. Still keeps me up at night, I sleep on and off.
Money has been real bad since I been off. I am so afraid of going back to work becase as sosn as I do I lose my health insurance, and if I end up not being able to work becase of my hip I will be in real trouble wihtout insurance. Not sure if I am going to have to look for a job wiht more hours or not to have insurance or not, afraif of that too because if I can't do a ward clerk job not sure what I am going to be bale to do. We will see monday I guess.
well more to come

a few good moments

Well it's 12:26am on wednesday tomorrow is Thanksgiving just having myself, my daughter, son, and grand daughter for dinner but it will be a good meal I thank vry much my unit manager and charge nurse for the turkey and all the trimmings or I wouldn't have had a dinner.
I did very well selling on ebay the last 2 months. My grandaughter cleaned out some toys she no longer plays with I sold some of that those, 2 of her kids pures, I sold my old diamond wedding ring didn't need those bad memories anymore, I sold some clothing, some avon perfume, now I have one of her toys sold and 3 other items being watched. I was able to buy half of my granddaughters Christmas gifts, a gift card for my son, and 2 gifts for my daughter from the money I made so I did pretty good. In th espring I will be doing alot of yard selling and reselling on ebay.
I am also gonna give it a try making diaper cakes and gift baskets this weekend. See if they sell if so I will continue making them hopefully make some bill money. I need somehting I can do from home with my hips the way they are. I am still hoping to one day open a second hand shop we have a few in my area but htey aren't vvery good, the one good we had just closed. I wan tto learn to refurbish furniture to sell in the shop I have a big backyard i can paint and do repairs and as soon as I get my son's boxes out of hte basement I will have a whole storage room for things.
 I was able to buy my daughter a Big Time Rush ticket for Christmas, the concert isnt until February 2012 but she is very excited to go.
Had a little get together for my son last week, his 23rd birthday just ice cream and cake. He wanted a red velvet cake so I made one, He made a few bucks, plus a gift card so it was a good day.
Iam getting very excited to decorate for Christmas I love all the lights and the decorated tree, hoping this sat to ge the tree up.
I went to the Dr this last monday he gave me ascript for a cane I got a bright pink one with roses all over it kinda purdy
So we have had a pretty good week if my diaper cake and gift baskets turn out the week will be a huge success.
more to come.

Domestic violence is a sometimes fatal-always frightening criminal act. One which we've become all to familier wiht, yet one which our society wishes would go away.
A vistum of domestic violence lives in fear for her life and in most cases, the lives of her children.
In addition to fer, a victunm of domestic violence experiences feelings of isolation, embarrassment, confusion,
and helplessness. While there aren't any easy answers, quick fixes, or immediate solutions, there is help. No on— A bipartisan package of bills designed to help crack down on domestic violence and habitual offenders was recently introduced in the Michigan Senate, said sponsor Sen. Rick Jones.

Under current law, it is nearly impossible to send an individual who is a habitual offender to prison unless a more serious offense is involved.

       Measures in the “Domestic Violence Awareness Package” would:

• Enhance penalties for conviction of a second or third domestic violence offense by allowing prosecutors to use a prior deferred offense against the perpetrator;
• Increase the penalty for a third conviction of domestic violence from the current two-year felony to a five-year felony; and
• Amend the sentencing guidelines for a third conviction of domestic violence to make prison time more likely for habitual offenders
• .By working together, we can show the cowards who abuse their spouses that their behavior is not tolerated in Michigan,” said Jones, R-Grand Ledge. “This legislation targets habitual offenders and will provide further protection for victims of domestic violence.”
  
   

Flowers to Forgive

She's got flowers!
It wasn't her birthday or any other special day.
They had the...ir first fight, and he said many cruel things that really hurt her.
She knows that he is sorry and that he would not say those things again, because he sent her flowers.

She received flowers again!
It was not for their anniversary or any other special day.
Last night, he pushed her against a wall and started to choke her.
It seemed like a nightmare, she couldn't believe it was real.
When she woke the next morning her body was painful and bruised.
She She received flowers again!
It was not for their anniversary or any other special day.
Last night, he pushed her against a wall and started to choke her.
It seemed like a nightmare, she couldn't believe it was real.
When she woke the next morning her body was painful and bruised.
She knows that he must be sorry, because he sent her flowers to forgiveknows that he must be sorry, because he sent her flowerAnd this was not mother's day or any other special day.
Once again, he has beaten her, it was much more violent than other times.
If she leaves, what would she do?
How would she care for her children?
And financial problems?
She is afraid of him, but is scared to go.
And she knows that he must be sorry because, as usual, he sent her flowers to forgive.

Today, was a very special day!
She have received piles of bouquets of flowers from all those who knew her and who loved her!
It was her funeral.
Last night, he finally killed her. He beat her to death.
If only She had found enough courage to leave,
She would have not received so many flowers today!

This is a story from a domestic violence page--tells it like it is.

breaking free...

On this day, God wants you to know

... that it is time to finally forgive yourself. You've carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You've kept your wounds open for long enough. The time has come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal. Yes, you know what we are talking about.

I came accross this quote and it says alot. when we are talking about abuse most women stay with their abusers and keep the wonds open, they carry lots of guilt and shame inside thinking it is their fault that they caused their spouse/significant other to abuse them that they deserve it. If your like me I never had anyone to my home except my mother and step dad, becase I was afraid of what would happen. Would I say or do somethig to piss my husband off would he push me or verbally degrade me in front of friends. It would be totally embarrassing. I carried guilt and shame for years and years. He never hit me in the face or anywhere visable, smacking and punching wasnt his style, he usually pushed me up against walls, or kitchen counters or tables. If it left a mark wouldn't be on my face. Most of his abuse was verbal as I have staed before, and I think being degrated, being told what a lousey rotten person I was, how I was  just a bitch and how I didn't deserve him to be with me,  He used to say even my own children hated me. It takes a toll on the brain. I felt I wasn't good enough for him at times, All the abuse made me feel like I didn't deserve anyone, didn't deserve his love, But he deserved for me to make sure he had clothes, shoes, internet and anything else he wanted and needed.  I spent LOTS of money on him in 10 years. Not only that but I found money missing all the time, from my purse and my hiding spot. Funny he always found the spot I hid money guess I wasn't good at hiding it, and the fact thta I HAD to hide it, you would think that would have spark my brain cells this isn't right that I am hiding money. I never saw him steal money but he always had alcohol and beer to drink and I didn't buy it. he only had a job during the first 2 years of our 10 years together, so he didn't regularly have money. His parents who have lots of money would never help us out to pay a bill, or keep us off the streets, so I can't imagine they gae him money for booze.

The 17 year old girl i spoke of in a previous blog told my daughter that his parents set him up a bank account with money every month becase he told them I didnt give him survival money. That may be true, I don't know, but if it is, I know that makes him even a worse human being becase there were many times too many to count, that my mother would give us money for food, and rent and a utility bill, I would go to the food closet evry thursday, I would sit around and cry and worry that I couldn't pay bills, I had 2 vehicles repossed for non payment and if he had a bank account and used it in booze and beer instead of helping us survive that really isn't someone that we as women need to be around.

I think of these things now when I see a quote(above) I wish I would have realized it alot sooner than I did. Even to this day the man has some kid of hold on me, he has come visit my grand daughter at my home a few times he loves her and she loves him. She is 5 and always asks where is grandpa? when is he comming to visit? pleae call grandpa I need to talk to him. So I figure if he is here visiting it is ok, and when he is here sometimes I think I really want to be with him, I want to move closer to Jackson where he is living with his parents, I even went as far as looking at apartments online in Jackson  and emailing them  just 2 weeks ago.

Today is saturday the 19th and just tuesday I asked him when he was commingback down to visit he had to cut his last visit short, he had mentioned he could come down wednesday, he said he wasn't sure I said well you said wed that's tomorrow. He said I good night. I really didn't understand that he stopped talking to me that night tues 4 days ago 8pm, my grand daughter has been wanting me to call him, so I have tried several times all 4 days, I have left his facebook messages, I have left him text messages and he just doesn't answer.

So what do I tell her? grandpa doesn't love or care about her anymore? I dont want to hurt her anymore than she already is, he has done this before to her and it is totally wrong,

I now 11 years later,(been apart since aug 2010) have to use my brain and not my heart and finally be at peace that he really doesn't care about about me or MY grand daughter and he is never going to change. He is always going to put himself first, he is always going to drink booze from 10:30am to 11pm and act liek a idiot and argue with me, he is always going to not like things I say, or allow me to have my opinion. It happens when he visits, how I can still love someone like that I am not sure. I am really not sure if it is love I feel, or is it just that I hate not having without someone to love me and be with me? But...I now know his true feelings for me and me and my grand daughter when he doesn't answer his phone to me in 4 days. His phone is on my account, I need to just take it off my account and have no connections to him whatsoever. My grand daughter will hurt for awhile but she will grow out of it, not havign a grandpa. I would rather her not be hurt by him all the time. So as soon as I close his phone i off my account and  will start living life as I should have been the last 11 years. for me and my grand daughter lively, and to the fullest not being afraid, or walking on egg shells. I won't have movign to Jackson or a significant other to look forward to but I realize I have much more. I have 2 children and a grand daughter that love me and a grandaughter to raise. I have the love of Jesus. I struggle to pay bills everyday, I sometimes wonder how the rent is getting paid and where will we go if it doesn't, But.......much better worries than wondering if I am going to get pushed around, if I am going to say the wrong things and have a 2 hours degrading session in front of my children and grand daughter. wondeirng what girl my husband is seeing today, wondering how much he is drinking while I am working. Those days are totally gone for me. Women please don't wait as long as I hve to totally break free. Get out the first oppertunity you can, It will be easier for you and your children

more to come

Life....

well it's November 17th my youngest child my son's 23rd birthday today, having ice cream and cake for him at my house, no biggie but it's something.
I went to a new Dr. monday a orthopedic a St. Joes in Ann Arbor, he was very nice. He thinks I may have a muscle tear in my hip, I go back on the 28th. He wanted me to use a cane so I went and got one today bright pink with roses all over it. My hip has been hurting alot lately I laid down at 10:30pm which is very early for me, and I am up at 1:58am I just couldn't lay anymore, whole leg was hurting. It is going to be a very long day.
We received a letter yesterday that my daughter got turned down for SSI I can't believe it, she needs it so bad for survival. She just has a hard time in life.I called a SSI lawyer that don't except your money unless you win. hopefully things will get moving soon.
I wish my disability insurance through work didn't screw around wiht me so much, sometimes they make me wait three weeks for a check, I get back paid but it's hard waiting that long for money.
I have been doing pretty good selling things on ebay in the last month I have sold, a Bratz doll, a kids Dora purse, a kids Hannah montana purse, 2 jars of avon anew cream, a cross stitch kit, a pair of girls shoes, 2 bottles of avon purfume, and right now I have a mcikey mouse clubhouse I currently have a big bid on. I was able to do alot of Christmas shopping with the money I made. I also do mypoints I save up my points all year to get a gift card for Christmas. I just purchased one for my son to put in his christmas stocking 25.00 not much but it free.
I wish I had the money to do after Thanksgiivving shopping, but I don't. There really isnt a whole lot i need I have my mother, step dad, and grand daughter done, I have my son almost done just money in a card to go. I just have to work on my daughter. not much time left. 
hoping to figure out how to put some picks on here- I have a etsy shop brendavr.etsy.com everyone can check that out.
going to sign off hoping to get some more sleep have a great day.