breaking free...

On this day, God wants you to know

... that it is time to finally forgive yourself. You've carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You've kept your wounds open for long enough. The time has come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal. Yes, you know what we are talking about.

I came accross this quote and it says alot. when we are talking about abuse most women stay with their abusers and keep the wonds open, they carry lots of guilt and shame inside thinking it is their fault that they caused their spouse/significant other to abuse them that they deserve it. If your like me I never had anyone to my home except my mother and step dad, becase I was afraid of what would happen. Would I say or do somethig to piss my husband off would he push me or verbally degrade me in front of friends. It would be totally embarrassing. I carried guilt and shame for years and years. He never hit me in the face or anywhere visable, smacking and punching wasnt his style, he usually pushed me up against walls, or kitchen counters or tables. If it left a mark wouldn't be on my face. Most of his abuse was verbal as I have staed before, and I think being degrated, being told what a lousey rotten person I was, how I was  just a bitch and how I didn't deserve him to be with me,  He used to say even my own children hated me. It takes a toll on the brain. I felt I wasn't good enough for him at times, All the abuse made me feel like I didn't deserve anyone, didn't deserve his love, But he deserved for me to make sure he had clothes, shoes, internet and anything else he wanted and needed.  I spent LOTS of money on him in 10 years. Not only that but I found money missing all the time, from my purse and my hiding spot. Funny he always found the spot I hid money guess I wasn't good at hiding it, and the fact thta I HAD to hide it, you would think that would have spark my brain cells this isn't right that I am hiding money. I never saw him steal money but he always had alcohol and beer to drink and I didn't buy it. he only had a job during the first 2 years of our 10 years together, so he didn't regularly have money. His parents who have lots of money would never help us out to pay a bill, or keep us off the streets, so I can't imagine they gae him money for booze.

The 17 year old girl i spoke of in a previous blog told my daughter that his parents set him up a bank account with money every month becase he told them I didnt give him survival money. That may be true, I don't know, but if it is, I know that makes him even a worse human being becase there were many times too many to count, that my mother would give us money for food, and rent and a utility bill, I would go to the food closet evry thursday, I would sit around and cry and worry that I couldn't pay bills, I had 2 vehicles repossed for non payment and if he had a bank account and used it in booze and beer instead of helping us survive that really isn't someone that we as women need to be around.

I think of these things now when I see a quote(above) I wish I would have realized it alot sooner than I did. Even to this day the man has some kid of hold on me, he has come visit my grand daughter at my home a few times he loves her and she loves him. She is 5 and always asks where is grandpa? when is he comming to visit? pleae call grandpa I need to talk to him. So I figure if he is here visiting it is ok, and when he is here sometimes I think I really want to be with him, I want to move closer to Jackson where he is living with his parents, I even went as far as looking at apartments online in Jackson  and emailing them  just 2 weeks ago.

Today is saturday the 19th and just tuesday I asked him when he was commingback down to visit he had to cut his last visit short, he had mentioned he could come down wednesday, he said he wasn't sure I said well you said wed that's tomorrow. He said I good night. I really didn't understand that he stopped talking to me that night tues 4 days ago 8pm, my grand daughter has been wanting me to call him, so I have tried several times all 4 days, I have left his facebook messages, I have left him text messages and he just doesn't answer.

So what do I tell her? grandpa doesn't love or care about her anymore? I dont want to hurt her anymore than she already is, he has done this before to her and it is totally wrong,

I now 11 years later,(been apart since aug 2010) have to use my brain and not my heart and finally be at peace that he really doesn't care about about me or MY grand daughter and he is never going to change. He is always going to put himself first, he is always going to drink booze from 10:30am to 11pm and act liek a idiot and argue with me, he is always going to not like things I say, or allow me to have my opinion. It happens when he visits, how I can still love someone like that I am not sure. I am really not sure if it is love I feel, or is it just that I hate not having without someone to love me and be with me? But...I now know his true feelings for me and me and my grand daughter when he doesn't answer his phone to me in 4 days. His phone is on my account, I need to just take it off my account and have no connections to him whatsoever. My grand daughter will hurt for awhile but she will grow out of it, not havign a grandpa. I would rather her not be hurt by him all the time. So as soon as I close his phone i off my account and  will start living life as I should have been the last 11 years. for me and my grand daughter lively, and to the fullest not being afraid, or walking on egg shells. I won't have movign to Jackson or a significant other to look forward to but I realize I have much more. I have 2 children and a grand daughter that love me and a grandaughter to raise. I have the love of Jesus. I struggle to pay bills everyday, I sometimes wonder how the rent is getting paid and where will we go if it doesn't, But.......much better worries than wondering if I am going to get pushed around, if I am going to say the wrong things and have a 2 hours degrading session in front of my children and grand daughter. wondeirng what girl my husband is seeing today, wondering how much he is drinking while I am working. Those days are totally gone for me. Women please don't wait as long as I hve to totally break free. Get out the first oppertunity you can, It will be easier for you and your children

more to come

Life....

well it's November 17th my youngest child my son's 23rd birthday today, having ice cream and cake for him at my house, no biggie but it's something.
I went to a new Dr. monday a orthopedic a St. Joes in Ann Arbor, he was very nice. He thinks I may have a muscle tear in my hip, I go back on the 28th. He wanted me to use a cane so I went and got one today bright pink with roses all over it. My hip has been hurting alot lately I laid down at 10:30pm which is very early for me, and I am up at 1:58am I just couldn't lay anymore, whole leg was hurting. It is going to be a very long day.
We received a letter yesterday that my daughter got turned down for SSI I can't believe it, she needs it so bad for survival. She just has a hard time in life.I called a SSI lawyer that don't except your money unless you win. hopefully things will get moving soon.
I wish my disability insurance through work didn't screw around wiht me so much, sometimes they make me wait three weeks for a check, I get back paid but it's hard waiting that long for money.
I have been doing pretty good selling things on ebay in the last month I have sold, a Bratz doll, a kids Dora purse, a kids Hannah montana purse, 2 jars of avon anew cream, a cross stitch kit, a pair of girls shoes, 2 bottles of avon purfume, and right now I have a mcikey mouse clubhouse I currently have a big bid on. I was able to do alot of Christmas shopping with the money I made. I also do mypoints I save up my points all year to get a gift card for Christmas. I just purchased one for my son to put in his christmas stocking 25.00 not much but it free.
I wish I had the money to do after Thanksgiivving shopping, but I don't. There really isnt a whole lot i need I have my mother, step dad, and grand daughter done, I have my son almost done just money in a card to go. I just have to work on my daughter. not much time left. 
hoping to figure out how to put some picks on here- I have a etsy shop brendavr.etsy.com everyone can check that out.
going to sign off hoping to get some more sleep have a great day.

My life is becomming a disaster

well, life is becomming very sad for me lately, I have a Dr appt tomorrow everytime I go I have to pay $55.00 that I do not have, $35.00 for my co-pay and $20 bucks for the Dr to fill out a paper for work, hopefully I won't have more than 1 $20 per page. Money is getting very tight for me lately, I know others have the same problem, so I complain and others and are in the same situation, I am sorry for that. I wish we all had enoguh to pay rent, utilites, cars, inusrance, etc and not have to struggle. I do not even have a credit card or loan other than my car payment, and I am still having a hard time. I was getting child support but I didn't get it today hummmmmmm.
My daughter has a appointment with a SSI examiner I am so hoping she approved. with her ADHD, and bi-polar she has a hard time keeping job she has had several jobs she just can not keep them very long.  She has given it a few years before hse applied, we didn't want to take advantage of the system.
My son is still doing good in his own apt I am happy about that.
Iam not doing very good with my etsy web site have only sold 1 thing since I opened it and that was this time last year Iam really thinking it's not worth it to keep it open. I also have not been doign good with my AVON. I do not have the ambition to pass out business cards or books I haven't advertised much. I only had 2 orders last campaign one my mother and one a regular customer I owed my mother the amount of her avon and the regular customer had a credit so I ended up paying the whole thing so I did not make any money on it. So Iam thinking it is not worth it to keep it anymore either. I have to pay for books etc and not making a profit I end up losing money.
My last day of therapy tomorrow I do think it has helped a little but not enough to make a big difference. I did make my therapist and his assistant soem chocolats chips cookies, I will miss them.
well thats it for now.

Ho Hum

well It's 12:49am on a saturday and I am not a bit tired. Haven't done much today, guess I am getting used to going to bed after 2am only getting about 3 hours of sleep at night. I am still off work because of my hips, It isn't  a bad thing  just a little boring, I also smoke way to much sitting at home I am afraid if I go back to work I won't have health insurance becase of my hours being cut, my hip giving out and me not being able to work, I would have to be home without being paid by work disability. It is tough I dont make as much being on disability as I do working but...it isn't that much different.  I have some things facebook's yardsellr, and on ebay hoping I sell 2 or 3 of them I sold quite a few things about a month ago and was able to buy my grand daughter and daughter some things for Christmas, I have 2 Christmas layaways one for my grand daughter and one for my son so Iam gettign there.
My son seems to be doing pretty well living in his own apartment just hasn't found the cleaning nack yet. My daughter on the other hand is very childlike, she is bi polar, adhd, and has depression. She takes a awful lot of pills everyday(well suppose to everyday) She is very caring but some days are a real challenge for me with her. She has always had problems and I was always able to hadle whatever whatever came along, but as she gets older(now 24) or should I say as I get older it is more difficult. 
I seem to tolerate things alot less. I really try thoough, and most days I succeed, But soem days I just have to get it off my chest, and we end up in a argument.She has a appointment with a SSI Dr. I am hoping she is approved for it would help us out so much. She seems to get jobs but she can't keep them. Her concentration is not very good, she doesn't understand written or oral instruction very well, I really think she tries It is sad sometimes becase she feels so bad when she is let go, Things will get better I am hoping it is soon.  
Well I am getting tired so I will sign off for now. hopefully I will have soem ebay sells to brag about the next post.
God Bless All

Family, and Me

It is 10:40pm on a sunday night-one week ago my right leg gave out and I fell down the basement stairs I got a huge bruise on my right buttocks, small bruises on my thighs, and both inner arms and some scrapes but thank the good Lord I didn't break anything, and I could have landed on my head or face instead of my backside. I am still off work suppose to go back to the Dr. on October 29th but I can not see myself returning as I still get sharp pains in my right hipk my leg gives out, and I still can not walk very far. I get really bored at home and I sure am tired of being of pain but what can I do?
I did receive some good news took my grand daughter to her Orthopedic Dr at the U of M and he has decided that she does NOT need surgery right now fantastic! it was very unexpected news he says maybee sometime as she gets grows. We will deal with it when the time comes. 
My son moved into a disabled apartment on August 11, 2011 and he seems to be doign very well. Except for the clothes all over, dirty dishes in the sink, and never havign a amde bed. lol. He rides the bus, volunteers 2 days a week at our hopital's lab, and gets groceries, so I can't complain. 
My 24 year old  daughter has moved into the basement space that my son used to occupy and there have been a few problems. She has severe ADHD, Bipolar, and depression. Some days are a real challenge. We argue some days as little things that wouldn't mean anything to you or I seem upset her alot. She will yell, scream, and call names, other times she will cry becase she got her feelings hurt. She talks 100 miles per minute, and is always going from one thing to another, But we are getting through it. I am hoping she gets approved for SSI, very hard for her to keep a job as she is hyper, has very bad memory loss and can not understand verbal or written instructions. I love her though.
The last 2 months I have sold some things on ebay and bought quite a bit for my granddaughter for Christmas. Living on 60% of my normal pay(which wasn't good anyways) I have to count all my pennies so this was a good way to get her Christmas done. I also bought something for my daughter and 1 thing for myself. Has been fun selling thing sI no longer need. I plan this week to put some of my grand daughter's toys on there that she has outgrown, can't wait to see the finale on those.
I stopped sellign AVON for a coupe months was just getting too much, But I decided to pick it back up. I need to learn to advertise more and pass out books. I am also gonna try blogging for payment I like to wrote and I like using the computer since i am off work thoguht it may be a way to earn some extra cash.
well Iam going to sign off for now. Remember ladies to always know the signs of abuse and  get out early before you get hurt.
take care

bored and frustrated

Well, I am sitting here in my chair which what I have most of the weekend. My hip is still hurting although not as much as a month ago, but now my good leg and hip are hurting pretty bad I think becase I compensate so much for the right hip and the only position I can lay is on my left side and it starts hurting almost a soon as I lay down. I am so hoping this gets better soon I have been off work sicne 7/18 going to therapy for a month I see some improvement but not much.
I did have some good success on ebay the last 22 weeks, I sold a wedding ring, a couple of younger toys, and a couple avon perfumes. Made enought o buy 4 Christmas gifts for my granddaughter and a few things for myself with money left over. Not bad.
My sweet Makayla starts kindergarten today I can  n ot believe how she has grown up. seems like the last 5 years went by fast.
On October 14th she has another surgery on her feet but thankfully it is only her right foot this time, she will have a cast for 8 weeks going tot he U of M every 2 weeks to have the cast off and another put on, a pain in the rear but gotta do what is best for her. hopign that goes by quick too.
I have blogged about some of my domestic violence situations and I hope it helped even one person. As much as I have discovered I do not not want to be with my ex anymore my grand daughter sure is missing him, she calls out for him sometimes. I told my ex that I have no problem with him comming to viist her he SAID he still wanted to be her grandpa(even when people split up the children shouldn't have to suffer) he was my grand daughter's whole world she worshiped the ground he walked on and he was very good to her. I kept asking him to come see her, he broke 3 ribs in late June and kept saying that he could ride here a hour and 20 minutes to come visit her because of too much pain, but...I find out today from a relative of his that he went to Houghton Lake on thursday which is a 3 hour and 20 minute drive. I do not understand that. I mean why lie to me? if you no longer want to be Makayla's grandpa and come see her just say so so I don't have to keep telling her soon grandpa will come soon to see you. Let the hurt be over with.
As much as I realize that my ex went out of his way to hurt me physically, verbally, a affair and all the other things I truely believed he still loved Makayla. I think this just proved that he does not. I never wanted to keep her grandpa from her, but I am beginning to think it is the best thing for her. she has not seen him since late June and I am thinking that the longer she goes without seeing him she will learn to forget and it won't her so much. I just hate to see and hear her cry for him. Just isn't right what do you all think?? I really thought he loved her but I guess a person who abusers anothr and gets drunk alot may just be uncapable of love. it is very sad.
well ladies make sure you see the signs of abuse before it is too late. My ex was nice and sweet and really played it up for me the first few months we were together I didn't find out until after we were married that he was the way he is.
thanks for reading more later
God Bless!

stupidity

ladies don't fall into the trap I almost did recently, it was my own trap I almost made a huge mistake my ex and I have been divorced since 2007 but together until august 18th 2010 I kept takign him back becase I thought I loved him, and even up until 2 weeks I still wanted to be with him not becase of love but becase of convience. I just hate being alone, I do not do well at night alone, also there are alot of things I have never done for example check the oil in my car, or mowed the grass, or fixed thigns that are broken. A man is a good thing to have around. So I figured he was better than nothing. He said he still wanted to be with me, but.... never made the effort to BE with he is living 80 miles away with his parents, I kept asking are you comming back to live with me or am I comming there to live with you? he always had some excuse to make it not happen. So I got a brain and said it has been over a year you need to decide now what you are doing. I thank God again that he never answered that question was just silent to it all, so I said ok then I guess you made your decision. We will not be together.
I sit in my living chair alone and think back to the verbal and physical abuse, the money he cost me the affair he had , the drinking and driving and the stealing money and think why on earth would I want that all over again??? I am soooo thankful to him for not answering my question, I will never ever be in that situationa again. in the last 3 days I have totally wised up and now know how stupid I have acted wanting to get with him again.
ladies listen to your head not your heart.