Saturday, November 19, 2011
... that it is time to finally forgive yourself. You've carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You've kept your wounds open for long enough. The time has come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal. Yes, you know what we are talking about.
I came accross this quote and it says alot. when we are talking about abuse most women stay with their abusers and keep the wonds open, they carry lots of guilt and shame inside thinking it is their fault that they caused their spouse/significant other to abuse them that they deserve it. If your like me I never had anyone to my home except my mother and step dad, becase I was afraid of what would happen. Would I say or do somethig to piss my husband off would he push me or verbally degrade me in front of friends. It would be totally embarrassing. I carried guilt and shame for years and years. He never hit me in the face or anywhere visable, smacking and punching wasnt his style, he usually pushed me up against walls, or kitchen counters or tables. If it left a mark wouldn't be on my face. Most of his abuse was verbal as I have staed before, and I think being degrated, being told what a lousey rotten person I was, how I was just a bitch and how I didn't deserve him to be with me, He used to say even my own children hated me. It takes a toll on the brain. I felt I wasn't good enough for him at times, All the abuse made me feel like I didn't deserve anyone, didn't deserve his love, But he deserved for me to make sure he had clothes, shoes, internet and anything else he wanted and needed. I spent LOTS of money on him in 10 years. Not only that but I found money missing all the time, from my purse and my hiding spot. Funny he always found the spot I hid money guess I wasn't good at hiding it, and the fact thta I HAD to hide it, you would think that would have spark my brain cells this isn't right that I am hiding money. I never saw him steal money but he always had alcohol and beer to drink and I didn't buy it. he only had a job during the first 2 years of our 10 years together, so he didn't regularly have money. His parents who have lots of money would never help us out to pay a bill, or keep us off the streets, so I can't imagine they gae him money for booze.
The 17 year old girl i spoke of in a previous blog told my daughter that his parents set him up a bank account with money every month becase he told them I didnt give him survival money. That may be true, I don't know, but if it is, I know that makes him even a worse human being becase there were many times too many to count, that my mother would give us money for food, and rent and a utility bill, I would go to the food closet evry thursday, I would sit around and cry and worry that I couldn't pay bills, I had 2 vehicles repossed for non payment and if he had a bank account and used it in booze and beer instead of helping us survive that really isn't someone that we as women need to be around.
I think of these things now when I see a quote(above) I wish I would have realized it alot sooner than I did. Even to this day the man has some kid of hold on me, he has come visit my grand daughter at my home a few times he loves her and she loves him. She is 5 and always asks where is grandpa? when is he comming to visit? pleae call grandpa I need to talk to him. So I figure if he is here visiting it is ok, and when he is here sometimes I think I really want to be with him, I want to move closer to Jackson where he is living with his parents, I even went as far as looking at apartments online in Jackson and emailing them just 2 weeks ago.
Today is saturday the 19th and just tuesday I asked him when he was commingback down to visit he had to cut his last visit short, he had mentioned he could come down wednesday, he said he wasn't sure I said well you said wed that's tomorrow. He said I good night. I really didn't understand that he stopped talking to me that night tues 4 days ago 8pm, my grand daughter has been wanting me to call him, so I have tried several times all 4 days, I have left his facebook messages, I have left him text messages and he just doesn't answer.
So what do I tell her? grandpa doesn't love or care about her anymore? I dont want to hurt her anymore than she already is, he has done this before to her and it is totally wrong,
I now 11 years later,(been apart since aug 2010) have to use my brain and not my heart and finally be at peace that he really doesn't care about about me or MY grand daughter and he is never going to change. He is always going to put himself first, he is always going to drink booze from 10:30am to 11pm and act liek a idiot and argue with me, he is always going to not like things I say, or allow me to have my opinion. It happens when he visits, how I can still love someone like that I am not sure. I am really not sure if it is love I feel, or is it just that I hate not having without someone to love me and be with me? But...I now know his true feelings for me and me and my grand daughter when he doesn't answer his phone to me in 4 days. His phone is on my account, I need to just take it off my account and have no connections to him whatsoever. My grand daughter will hurt for awhile but she will grow out of it, not havign a grandpa. I would rather her not be hurt by him all the time. So as soon as I close his phone i off my account and will start living life as I should have been the last 11 years. for me and my grand daughter lively, and to the fullest not being afraid, or walking on egg shells. I won't have movign to Jackson or a significant other to look forward to but I realize I have much more. I have 2 children and a grand daughter that love me and a grandaughter to raise. I have the love of Jesus. I struggle to pay bills everyday, I sometimes wonder how the rent is getting paid and where will we go if it doesn't, But.......much better worries than wondering if I am going to get pushed around, if I am going to say the wrong things and have a 2 hours degrading session in front of my children and grand daughter. wondeirng what girl my husband is seeing today, wondering how much he is drinking while I am working. Those days are totally gone for me. Women please don't wait as long as I hve to totally break free. Get out the first oppertunity you can, It will be easier for you and your children
more to come